A year ago my only sister died. And the past 12 months have, each in different ways, been periods of accommodating to this fact. I feel her reality still, can hear the sound of her voice, visualize her manner, imagine sharing a laugh with her, at someone pompous or ridiculous.
Some are said to be “larger than life.” But this did not describe Jenny. I recognized in her, as in myself, the unremitting attempt to find a way into life, a feeling that life was somehow outside our reach. Was she friendly, personable and could she be outgoing? Certainly, But I cannot escape the sense that feelings of loss and regret were perhaps the largest reality for her, as for me. “Living in the moment” was never easy … perhaps impossible. By many outward measures, she was successful, but life was, inevitably, lived at a remove, and the sorrow that provoked, and the sorrow that had provoked that distance, was never far away.
The recognition of this common inability to inhabit ones own life was perhaps the strongest connection Jenny and I shared. It drove us each into isolated lives, seeking meaning within, unable to tolerate the chatter of society; the company of other people proved as much an irritant as a comfort.
I always wished for her, as I do for myself, the pure sensuous joy of existence, the feeling of abandon that comes when one stops worrying if one is good enough, has done enough. Herewith, in her memory, my favorite stanza from the Wallace Stevens poem Sunday Morning, that Jenny and I contrived to memorize:
Why should she give her bounty to the dead?
What is divinity if it can come
Only in silent shadows and in dreams?
Shall she not find in comforts of the sun,
In pungent fruit and bright, green wings, or else
In any balm or beauty of the earth,
Things to be cherished like the thought of heaven?
Divinity must live within herself:
Passions of rain, or moods in falling snow;
Grievings in loneliness, or unsubdued
Elations when the forest blooms; gusty
Emotions on wet roads on autumn nights;
All pleasures and all pains, remembering
The bough of summer and the winter branch.
These are the measures destined for her soul.