Category: LIfe

Am I part of the gig economy? I’m working from home now, free to ramble into my study in my pjs at 8:30 (but so far I’ve always showered, shaved and dressed presentably before starting the workday — it puts me in the necessary state of mind).

I like it, except for the pressing aloneness. There is email of course, and the occasional webex. Generally, the lack of human contact doesn’t bother me that much. And I seem to be disciplining myself ok. If I go to the bathroom, I don’t clock out of toggl.com, but I’m conscientious about doing so for longer breaks and, of course, lunch. If I need to run an errand in the middle of the day, it’s not generally a problem …. just set my jabber status to ‘Away,’ stop the toggl clock, and I’m good.

Middle-aged men in pressure-packed situations that give them one last chance to shine. That seems to be the common theme of the movies I’m watching …Left Behind and When Angels Sleep on Netflix, Liam Neeson in The Commuter (Amazon Prime) tonight. Terrible movies all, but apparently they have something I’m looking for. I wonder what. How much better spent would be the time needed to watch those movies if I was instead learning Javascript or ASP.NET, writing my novel, doing something social. Oh well, it seems to be something I need to do right now …. crashing on the couch after dinner, cuddled up with Kramer, a much lower maintenance companion than any woman, watching crap and dozing.

Sometimes
Before the snowfall
There’s a lightness, like spring
I feel it this morning
Is it in the air?
Or something about
My attitude
Towards life
Which, mood lifting,
Sees an opening
A chink of light
Between the old boards
And with it comes a breeze
So light, so light
Did I imagine it all?

And back to the Super Bowl they go. I cannot believe the fortitude New England’s beloved team showed today in beating the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC conference championship. Brady … Edelman ….Gronk. These men must have ice water in their veins to have engineered the multiple comebacks required in this game. The final score was 37-31, Pats. I think this was the most exciting football game I’ve ever watched.

Already half-way through the first month of the new year. It went fast. This post is the sixteenth of the year, so I’m keeping pace with my goal (one a day), although I’ve been playing catch-up lately, sliding through with pathetically short entries. Still, maybe even the slightest entries will trigger some memories when I look back.

Oil delivery today. I can turn my heat up if I want to …all the way up to 60 degrees, yee-hah! Normally I keep it at 50 round the clock, which is crazy cold. I have been freezing the past few days, but I’m a stubborn son of a bitch. Exercise definitely helps … after 45 minutes on the bicycle trainer, I am plenty warm!

Tomorrow will be busy. I have a dentist appointment at noon, need to pay for the storage unit I’ve decided to take for a mere $45/month (in the strange old factory-looking storage facility on 6th street), and then plan to go dancing in Maine. All that around the remote writing work I’ll be doing.

Lynda.com is a constant draw for me. I keep finding new courses, new areas of interest, that draw me away from what I promised myself I would try to learn this year, which was:

• ASP.NET
• Javascript

The new job has already drawn me into Git, and I’m about two-thirds of the way through Kevin Skoglund’s excellent “Git: Essential Training.” Of course the mere mention of bash scripting in the Git course sent me off beginning a course on that topic. I wish I was young enough that I had a chance of learning everything I’m interested in ….

The stasis in my life results largely from an inability to make choices. Countless dilemmas leave me stuck thinking “I could do this, but … on the other hand.” I think it’s probably the source of most of my pain.

I don’t know whether to stay in this house, or leave.

I don’t know whether to start counseling again …. or not.

I don’t whether to continue with my chiropractor …. or quit.

I don’t know whether to <pick your dilemma> …

Just do something, GD it. Choose!

As the comedian Gary Gulman notes, the thing about life is … it’s every day. Every day the maintenance, the routines and rituals. And boy do I have a lot of them. I wish I could simply roll out of bed and be ready to go, but it’s a laborious process:

Roll over several times and wonder if I should try to sleep more before finally pushing myself out of bed. Change from sleep clothes (boxers, t-shirt and light fleece) into warmer intermediary clothing (for the Arctic journey from bed to kitchen to shower). Heat up coffee. Add creamer. Reheat coffee because the creamer cooled it down. Add just a little more creamer. Resist showering (Arctic chill again; thermostat is kept at a steady 50 degrees, day and night to save oil). Finally shower. Shave. Get dressed. Let Kramer out (she’s kept in living room at night and until I shower to avoid her making a move into my bedroom, the sanctum sanctorum, the only place in the house kept free of cat hair). By this time the coffee has kicked in and I need to sit on the toilet for a while. After that interlude I can, finally, sit down at my desk.

The activities above require, on any given morning, at least an hour to complete. The most precious commodity is time, and I feel as though most of mine is pissed away on stupid stuff. But, on the other hand, when confronted with shapeless time, the stuff of which notable accomplishments are made, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Solitude has become my new normal. My resolution to avoid pursuing relationship of the female variety has left me largely to my own devices. What are the positives?:

• It forces me to feel the feelings of loneliness that constantly arise, and to deal with them. Do I really want to call someone up/find a companion for some ostensible reason which is really just to avoid being alone? Clearly that’s the reason most people have friends, but I always end up feeling antsy, and as though there is something I want to or should be doing instead. Sooo … I’ll live with those moments for the time being, and resolve them by diverting my energy towards one of the things that I always told myself I should be doing when I was with someone else.
• It lets me do “my thing” without guilt, except insofar as I feel guilty about being so odd. Days can be spent with the routine maintenance of this one 62-year old male …. showering him, shaving him, dressing him, preparing meals for him, and feeding him those meals. Shopping for him. Finding some recreation (usually of the video variety) for him. On a weekend day, these tasks consume the day. Somehow, on a workday, they more or less get done in and around the prescribed work activities, but it isn’t easy.
• It makes me think more carefully about time, our most precious commodity, and how I really want to spend it. It gives me time to come to terms with my oddities, and, not judgmentally, wonder if reforming some of those oddities would make my life more enjoyable.

And the negatives:

• I feel like a freaking weirdo. Not only do I lack family or offspring, I also lack, apparently, any human connections. This is not entirely true … I do have dance, if I want to pursue it (I was glad to go to Anne’s Manchester dance last Thursday, and she was glad to see me). I will go to visit Wendie soon. I’m hoping to make a trip on an airplane to see one of the two western Deirdres this spring or summer.
• I become a self-absorbed monster. Any thoughts for the welfare of others are subsumed by my intense naval-gazing

My method, which one might call, “waiting for a sign,” while attempting to do the things that I always bemoaned missing out on when I felt trapped by a relationship feels suspect, and I sometimes fear for my mental health.

How important is exercise to me? Very. Since my left hip really started to bother me, I’ve run very little. Today I got a fair amount of exercise at work, but there’s a nagging sensation in that hip that tells me all is not well, and that I had better give it rest.

I made a doctor’s appointment for Monday.